HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Well, thanks to those who left messages yesterday, BUT today is the big day!

Y'all were a day early! lol. Thanks anyways! It means alot.

^_^ For those comments left, I'll get back to you as soon as I'm awake more.


xoxox;
- Me.

One daaay

I had the weekend off work
That was aweeeesome
I got to finally finish painting my room
Bright and vibrant
With a little dark twist?
lol. It's bright colours, toned down a bit
That was my birthday present to myself =]

Now I'm excited.
Let the celebration begin?

And guys; if you read this
I'm sorry.
I haven't been around and I'm not caught up in your lives.
I feel like I've been a horrible friend for not being here.
It's not like I don't care, cause I do.
So, I'm sorry for not always being around lately.

Four days ♥

I have outgrown that place.
It used to bring me comfort,
Now.. nothing.

Words used to have meaning.
Laughter used to be heard.
Friends used to be an existing word.

No more living with "used to be's" and "what if's"

I'll be sixteen in four days, and I realized no matter how special it once was
The magic will never be the same as it was nearly a year ago.

Feelings are still felt to the friends I've met and made.
Don't think that I don't care, because I do.

This blog will always be open and I will always be here.
This is not a good bye from this one.
It's a good bye from that one.

RAAWR

My lip ring is sooo sore right now.
I'm about to go for a walk, but I'm waiting for my Ipod to charge.

Summer is almost over! And thankfully I have all next weekend off!!! ^_^

My birthday is in like, TEN DAYS! I can't wait, yet I'm dreading it all the same. I can't wait to be sixteen, but then again, I hate celebrating birthdays! Oh well. The big One Six this year! Yay!

I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

Tonight has been a rough one. I'm trying my hardest to deal with situations and fight all of my demons.

Today a guy I know asked me out. I don't know how I feel about him, but I can't see me dating him. I mean, I don't really know him, but from what I do, I don't think we'd work. He doesn't know me at all, everything he see's is the fake me. He's only looking at my exterior. He's not the wealthiest, or most good looking person out there, and that has no affect on my decision. My friend tells me I could do better, but here's the thing, I don't think I can. It's the same old story. I'm not pretty enough, no one would want me. What's there to fucking like? The people I like, don't like me back. The people who like me, aren't who I like in return. That's life. But this situation brought back old things that I buried and left in the dust. Now it seems they are back. Sometimes the acceptance and approval of the ones who are closest to you is all you need.

Today as I was babysitting my cousins, I glanced over and saw a framed photograph of my Auntie who just died. Looking at her again made me realize how much I miss her. She was who I turned to with all of my problems and now she isn't here to help me. Yeah, I do 'talk' outloud as if she were here. I make sure she knows how much I miss her. Since she's died, my life has fallen apart so it seems. Maybe I'm just the one tearing down the walls. It could be my fault.

My dad... I try not letting that bug me, and to me.. by staying mad at him I am making things easier, but really I don't think I am. NO MATTER WHAT he is my dad, and I do love him, despite what I told him the day he left. But it's not going to be easy to trust him again. I want that relationship back. I want my daddy to hold me and tell me things will be fine. Really, what I want is my fucking happy childhood where the biggest problem I had was scraping my knee, and even then.. I had others there to fix it.

Tonight, I needed someone desperately to talk to. Luckily, I had my friend Caitlin by my side.. well on msn. But she helped me pick up the pieces. Despite our two year age difference, we've gone through the same stuff throughout our lives. I consider her my best friend.. and she's also my supervisor at work.

Right now I'm in a vulnerable state. I'm trying to be strong and plaster that smile on my face. I'm trying, and that is all that really matters right?

Light of night.

Shadows fade to fall
Darkness rises high
And I forget to feel it all
Take a stab at my soul
And I'll never let go--
There's a train wreck called pain

yeah, eff uu

I swear to god, if you try to fucking pull hero I will kick your ass. "Oh, soon you'll find who who your true friends are"

You'll be glad to know that we all know who they are. And you're not one of them. I'm sorry, but I let you go when you lied to my face, stabbed me and everyone else in the back, and the day that you decided to 'fix things' only to turn around and start drama again. Without you, my life has been pretty fucking fantastic, thanks. I don't need you. NONE OF US DO. You were never a 'good' friend, so I don't know what you're on.

None of us plan on going and 'crawling' back to you. Sorry for you to hear this, but we aren't babies, and we can manage on our own. You're just trying to look like the good girl because you have no one else! You did bring this on yourself. On Canada day, you ditched us for your boyfriend. You literally got up and walked away without speaking a word, and acted like a moody prick the rest of the night. Not even a sorry, not even a fucking breath. Yeah, I guess one of us could've tried talking to you about it, but we thought you'd get the hint after a month that we were better off without you. I swear, there has been NO drama, no fights, no arguments since I stopped talking to you. You turned everything about you. Self-centered much?

I'm sorry, but it gives me fucking chills to just hear your name. Do us a favor and leave us alone. Kay, thanks! =]

let those tears fly

I'm frustrated with the world.
I'm pissed for many reasons.
Right now the only thing I can do is just have a good cry.

So much has gone on lately.

I use this blog to write for me, no one else. I don't expect anyone to comment, read, or even care about my fucking ramblings.

I'm pissed because it's a damn funeral for a good guy, show some respect! I don't know what the hell they are talking about, but no one deserves to die the way that poor guy did. (RE: Westboro Church)

I'm pissed at a certain ex-friend. I can't believe you'd even try this again. What are are you trying to start drama? Clearly we don't want to talk to you, just fuck off.

I'm stressed with family matters. He left. She died. There's arguments, disagreements. I know things won't always be perfect, but I just want for once in my life things to not be stupid.

I'm confused with life. I don't know what came over me last weekend, and I'm sorry for my actions, but I don't regret it. Maybe I do like you, maybe you have feelings for me, but it would never happen. You have a girlfriend.

Song lyrics

Jasey Rae - All Time Low

The lights out,
I still hear the rain,
These images that fill my head,
Now keep my fingers from making mistakes,
Tell my voice what it takes,
To speak up,
Speak up,
and keep my conscience clean when I wake.

Don't make this easy,
I want you to mean it,
Jasey. (say you mean it)
You're dressed to kill,
I'm calling you out, (don't waste your time on me)

Now there's an aching in my back;
a stabbing pain that says I lack,
the common sense and confidence,
to bring an end to promises,
that I make in times of desperate conversation,
hoping my night could be better than theirs in the end.
Just say when.

Don't make this easy,
I want you to mean it,
Jasey. (say you mean it)
You're dressed to kill,
I'm calling you out, (don't waste your time on me)

I've never told a lie,
and that makes me a liar,
I've never made a bet,
but we gamble with desire,
I've never lit a match,
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames,
are getting out of control.
Call me a name,
Kill me with words,
Forget about me,
It's what I deserve,
I was your chance,
to get out of this town,
but I ditched the car,
and left you to,

Wait outside,
I hope the air will serve to remind you,
that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath,
and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest.

Again - Faber Drive

Underneath my skin is it just anger, just frustration?
Underneath my skin is it decisions or these feelings?
It always hurt my mind (it always hurt my mind)
It always killed my pride inside.
It always wastes my time
Again, again..

Again i bleed, again i shake.
Again i fall, again i break.
Wasted, hated.
Again, again..

Underneath my skin is it just anger, just frustration?
Underneath my skin is it just nothing, or these feelings?
'cause all of mine just fades. (all of mine just fades)
No, i don't feel what i felt before.
I'm back inside this cage.
Again, again..

Again i bleed, again i shake.
Again i fall, again i break.
Wasted, hated.
Again, again..

Again i burn, take it all.
Inside my head, i hate the world,
Because i don't know (don't know)
I let go
Again, again..

Underneath my skin is it just anger, just frustration?
Underneath my skin is it just nothing, or these feelings?
'cause all of mine just fades.
Again, again..

Again i bleed, again i shake.
Again i fall, again i break.
Wasted, hated.
Again, again..

Again i burn, and take it all.
But inside my head, i hate the world,
Because i don't know (don't know)
I let go.
Again, again..

Again.
Again.
Again.
Again

Ashamed and confessions.

Twelve fucking hours of sleep last night, and it was like being in heaven. I spent Saturday night at a friends and got three hours of sleep, working eight hours the next day. It was a fucked up night, but an amazing one.

I've learned some things from Saturday night;
1.) I'm a flirt when drunk.
2.) Don't mix weed with alcohol.
3.) I worry lots.
4.) When under the influence, I can chain smoke a mile.

I lied to my mother, my sister, my friends. I feel horrible, but fan-fucking-tastic at the same time. For once, I finally had fun this summer.

Forgive me?

=]