I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

Tonight has been a rough one. I'm trying my hardest to deal with situations and fight all of my demons.

Today a guy I know asked me out. I don't know how I feel about him, but I can't see me dating him. I mean, I don't really know him, but from what I do, I don't think we'd work. He doesn't know me at all, everything he see's is the fake me. He's only looking at my exterior. He's not the wealthiest, or most good looking person out there, and that has no affect on my decision. My friend tells me I could do better, but here's the thing, I don't think I can. It's the same old story. I'm not pretty enough, no one would want me. What's there to fucking like? The people I like, don't like me back. The people who like me, aren't who I like in return. That's life. But this situation brought back old things that I buried and left in the dust. Now it seems they are back. Sometimes the acceptance and approval of the ones who are closest to you is all you need.

Today as I was babysitting my cousins, I glanced over and saw a framed photograph of my Auntie who just died. Looking at her again made me realize how much I miss her. She was who I turned to with all of my problems and now she isn't here to help me. Yeah, I do 'talk' outloud as if she were here. I make sure she knows how much I miss her. Since she's died, my life has fallen apart so it seems. Maybe I'm just the one tearing down the walls. It could be my fault.

My dad... I try not letting that bug me, and to me.. by staying mad at him I am making things easier, but really I don't think I am. NO MATTER WHAT he is my dad, and I do love him, despite what I told him the day he left. But it's not going to be easy to trust him again. I want that relationship back. I want my daddy to hold me and tell me things will be fine. Really, what I want is my fucking happy childhood where the biggest problem I had was scraping my knee, and even then.. I had others there to fix it.

Tonight, I needed someone desperately to talk to. Luckily, I had my friend Caitlin by my side.. well on msn. But she helped me pick up the pieces. Despite our two year age difference, we've gone through the same stuff throughout our lives. I consider her my best friend.. and she's also my supervisor at work.

Right now I'm in a vulnerable state. I'm trying to be strong and plaster that smile on my face. I'm trying, and that is all that really matters right?