April's fool?

There is so much I absolutely hate right now.
I don't even know where to really start; where everything starts or finishes. My mind is literally scattered all over the place..
I'll start where I think is the most solid point. Tomorrow is my last exam of my first year of university. I managed to scrape by, with decent grades, but I feel like such a failure. I didn't give it my all and I know I could have done so much better than I did, but out of pure laziness and lack of interest in any class I had I gave up literally the first day I stepped into the atmosphere. I found myself staring in space more often than listening to the Prof's discuss the importance of Pride&Prejudice or why political ideologies shape the foundation of a social workers careers.. It all seemed like common knowledge until I got into the exam room.. I feel like I'm doing this whole university thing to please those around me, rather than for myself. When do I figure out what is best for me and not what's best for everyone else? I don't want people to think I'm a failure if I take another path to my goal. I can't see my life without education, without school or studying, but is the whole university thing, my thing? I don't think so.. I don't see myself sitting in a desk for another 3 years, studying shit that doesn't even interest me or make sense in my simple mind.
My dad doesn't even believe in me and me going to university. He sees it as a waste of money, he thinks I am wasting my time, and he told me before I even started that I won't last long. Do you know what that feels like? This jerk, who I call my father, the guy I once adored and cried for at night while he was out cheating on my mother.. how could he say that to me? He's not around, he doesn't know who the fuck I am or what I like. He's not interested in my life, just my sisters because she had my niece. I feel like if I got pregnant I'd pretty much get everything I wanted. Well, not really, but I'd finally get the attention I've always craved from my father. The sad thing is... I don't want to admit it, but he's right. My education right now is indeed a waste of money, I don't know what I want! I haven't lasted long, so maybe he knows something I don't about myself or what I want.
It just sucks, you know? I grew up with such a broken family, and there are going to be lasting impacts on my life until the day I die. I can't trust my boyfriend because I couldn't trust my dad. I can't see myself ever being happy.. The simplest things make me happy yet it's those things that are the hardest for me to apparently keep in my life. I dislike my job soo much, I contemplate quitting in the biggest way. I want to make a scene and just say "Fuck you all! I've done so much for you, and you don't see it!" and walk out. That would totally be epic in my books. The amount of unfair... unfairness in my work place is mind blowing. I'm at battle with my equal coworker because she's dating the bosses son. First off, when I met my boyfriend at A&W, and we started dating, it was 'frowned upon' and we were separated from shifts together, yet this chick and her lover get every shift and every single day off together. Secondly, the boss doesn't see anything wrong in this, and favours the two beyond any sort of belief. It's definitely making my life at A&W shitty. As if working at a fast food place for 3 years wasn't shitty enough, right?
I honestly just want to scream right now. I should be happy, things are pretty calm in my life right now. Maybe I'm just freaking out to create drama. That's definitely what my boyfriend would think. I just need someone to talk to, someone to open up to, which is definitely why I needed to post this blog. Here is where I once felt most at home.. I just needed someone, something, anything to dump my shit on. This is the first of many wonderful rants within the next few days, I can guarantee you that.

They say that you shouldn't live in the past, but what if you can't live in the present, or have no future as of yet to look forward to? What I would give to turn back the damn clock to a simpler, less complicated time...