that was the worst mistake of my life.
i take every single minute back, i really didn't want to hurt you at all.
you are, or maybe were, my best friend. i was drunk. i don't know what was going through my head.
fuck, if hurts. i lost you. you were my best fucking friend. i really can't comprehend that night. i barely remember it.
there really is no excuse. you can hate me all you wish, because i understand why you would.
i'm just going to disappear for a while.. maybe forever. i don't deserve you at all.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
you opened up into my arms
Let's get an update of my life at the moment:
She found out that I started smoking. She didn't freak out like I thought she would.
She found out that I started smoking. She didn't freak out like I thought she would.
"You don't have to be embarrassed.. but.."
*thinks of worst possible thing ever imaginable."I know you've been smoking. I'm not mad."
*breaths sigh of relief*
"Drinking I understand, smoking is tolerable. Drugs. Are. No."
"I love you mommy. =)"
"Love you too. "
*leaves room in silence*
*leaves room in silence*
Shit. I thought I was done for!
I think that my mom is more upset because we used to be so open with eachother. I think she is wondering why I didn't tell her these things. It's hard having to be the perfect little daughter who works and goes to school. I know, I'm just making up excuses now. It's my personal choice and I'm glad that she accepts that.
I think that my mom is more upset because we used to be so open with eachother. I think she is wondering why I didn't tell her these things. It's hard having to be the perfect little daughter who works and goes to school. I know, I'm just making up excuses now. It's my personal choice and I'm glad that she accepts that.
Anyways; work. What a doozy! So, I've had a teeny little crush on my co-worker for a while and lately, he's been confusing the fuck out of me! I don't know what he wants from me, he's sending these weird mixed signals. I love talking to him, because he understands what I'm going through. He's an amazing friend. Maybe it's not a crush, maybe it's just like.. he's like, my best friend. I'm not sure anymore. He pushes my buttons and he loves pissing me off. I hate seeing him upset so I'm always trying to cheer him up.
This blog to me sounds fucking ridiculous. Reading it over.. I'm thinking "Wow. I sound like such a fake. Someone who I would. not. like."
This post proves to me that I am not liking my actions. Fuck.
I'm done with this one, but I won't delete it, because to me, that's weak.
This blog to me sounds fucking ridiculous. Reading it over.. I'm thinking "Wow. I sound like such a fake. Someone who I would. not. like."
This post proves to me that I am not liking my actions. Fuck.
I'm done with this one, but I won't delete it, because to me, that's weak.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
lipstick mirrors and glitter stickers
Fake.
It's a common word used everyday. Everywhere I go I see fake people, fake faces, fake smiles.. why does everyone feel the need to hide who they truly are, how they really feel? Why live if all you are going to be is the person everyone else wants you to be and not the person who you want to be? If someone tells you "You can't dress like that, you can't look like that. Listen to this band, wear your make up like this!", you know what you say? FUCK YOU.
I'm sick of this stupid bullshit. Everyone at my school looks the same, listens to the same shit, all to fit in. It just pisses me off! It's not that hard of a concept when you think about it. Think for yourselves. Don't take anyone's bullshit. Next time you walk past a mirror, take a good look at yourself. Don't look at the mirror, look through the mirror. See who you are on the inside, not the person everyone else wants you to be. Go and do something for yourself. Never ever let anyone tell you who to be, I've taken that shit before, and believe me, it's not worth it in the end. Sometimes you just need to say a big FUCK YOU to the posers around you and be an individual.
It's a common word used everyday. Everywhere I go I see fake people, fake faces, fake smiles.. why does everyone feel the need to hide who they truly are, how they really feel? Why live if all you are going to be is the person everyone else wants you to be and not the person who you want to be? If someone tells you "You can't dress like that, you can't look like that. Listen to this band, wear your make up like this!", you know what you say? FUCK YOU.
I'm sick of this stupid bullshit. Everyone at my school looks the same, listens to the same shit, all to fit in. It just pisses me off! It's not that hard of a concept when you think about it. Think for yourselves. Don't take anyone's bullshit. Next time you walk past a mirror, take a good look at yourself. Don't look at the mirror, look through the mirror. See who you are on the inside, not the person everyone else wants you to be. Go and do something for yourself. Never ever let anyone tell you who to be, I've taken that shit before, and believe me, it's not worth it in the end. Sometimes you just need to say a big FUCK YOU to the posers around you and be an individual.
Monday, October 20, 2008
hiding in the shadows
So, I went for my run, and it's so amazing how clear your mind is when you run. Nothing to hear but your own heart and your feet colliding with the ground. Nothing to feel but the feeling of invincibility. And nothing to think about but how nothing and no one can catch you. I felt like I was running from my demons and honestly, I haven't felt that fucking great in a lifetime.
Watching my breath in the night, I was just in shock at the fact that it was so cold out and I felt nothing but the warmth of my own body heat. It's times like that where I am reminded at how alive I am. It reminds me not to afraid to live. I honestly felt like nothing can stop me from accomplishing the things I want, and need, to get done. Those are the times where I just crave the emotions and I feel like no one can stop me.
Watching my breath in the night, I was just in shock at the fact that it was so cold out and I felt nothing but the warmth of my own body heat. It's times like that where I am reminded at how alive I am. It reminds me not to afraid to live. I honestly felt like nothing can stop me from accomplishing the things I want, and need, to get done. Those are the times where I just crave the emotions and I feel like no one can stop me.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Nightmare before Christmas
I've never felt this way before. I'm exhausted, yet totally left feeling accomplished and happy. I don't care that I haven't gotten much sleep. I don't care that I can barely stay awake. I don't care how shitty I feel. I'm just glad I got that done. It's a great feeling having everything accomplished, and working so hard that you know in the end it'll be worth it.
Halloween is coming up, and I'm really excited about it. My nieces first Halloween, and she's going to be a lion. RAWR. I can't wait till she can go trick-or-treating. I remember when I was a kid, I had no one to go with, and I never got invited with my friends, and I felt like such a loner child when it was just me and my mom. It hurt, yeah, but it was quality time spent with my mom or dad. The candy was the best part. It's the one time a year when children are allowed to accept candy from strangers. It was always my favorite holiday because for one day, I could pretend to be someone or something else. I loved fantisizing about different creatures and beings. My imagination would just run wild!
It's kind of sad because this year, I don't get to celebrate it much. Yeah, there's a school dance, but it's not the same. I have to work on Halloween, but the plus side is I get to wear a costume to work. It just pisses me off when you see girls wearing the skankiest outfits and it being allowed because it's Halloween. It's disgusting. Seriously, have some self-respect. Just because it's fucking Halloween doesn't mean you can show off half of your ass in an itty-bitty skirt, and have your boobs hang out of half of your top. Put some clothes on PLEASE!
Halloween is coming up, and I'm really excited about it. My nieces first Halloween, and she's going to be a lion. RAWR. I can't wait till she can go trick-or-treating. I remember when I was a kid, I had no one to go with, and I never got invited with my friends, and I felt like such a loner child when it was just me and my mom. It hurt, yeah, but it was quality time spent with my mom or dad. The candy was the best part. It's the one time a year when children are allowed to accept candy from strangers. It was always my favorite holiday because for one day, I could pretend to be someone or something else. I loved fantisizing about different creatures and beings. My imagination would just run wild!
It's kind of sad because this year, I don't get to celebrate it much. Yeah, there's a school dance, but it's not the same. I have to work on Halloween, but the plus side is I get to wear a costume to work. It just pisses me off when you see girls wearing the skankiest outfits and it being allowed because it's Halloween. It's disgusting. Seriously, have some self-respect. Just because it's fucking Halloween doesn't mean you can show off half of your ass in an itty-bitty skirt, and have your boobs hang out of half of your top. Put some clothes on PLEASE!
Monday, October 13, 2008
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