untitled poem

Swallowing me whole and then spitting me right out
You said you loved me once before;
But then you showed me the back door
It's not as easy as it seems - -
To hold this smile across my face
I feel like I'm running in a never-ending race
A race against you and me

Walking around in a mindless blur
Faces passing by in masks of different hues
Letting life slip through like grains of sand
Why push forward, when there is nothing to reach.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck-fuckity-fuck, fuck.
I don't know what I've been feeling lately. Nothing. There is an unexplainable emptiness inside of me. I never know what I'm doing. I don't seem to give a shit anymore. To those who have taken the time to comment or even just read my blogs, it's appreciated. You don't have to, this place is just where I put down my random babbles and thoughts. My mom, sister and niece left today. They went to go back to Nunavut for the funeral. Everyone is leaving me, I can't help but feel alone and empty.

I don't think that I'm depressed or anything. Half the time there is still a endless smile on my face, half the time I'm laughing. I just don't feel anything right now. I don't feel like socializing at the moment, so I'm sorry if I'm not all there. I'm sorry if I zone out.

She watched the bottle slip to the ground below
Shattering, breaking to a million little pieces.
He grabbed her by the hands and pulled her in his arms
"Don't give up," he said, "I'll love you till the end"
Trying to find the truth in his words- -
Looking for the comfort she once knew

She looked into his eyes
And saw a the reflection of pain
Wanting nothing but the stars and the moon,
It all came crashing down.
Down to the ground.
Swallowing her whole, she pulled herself out
And back in his arms
Reaching towards some sense of security.

"How do I know," she asked, "that this isn't a lie.
That you won't turn your back?"
Taking a swig, she tried to hold back.
She let it all go.
The tears they fell, and he wiped them away.

And he's searching;
and she's searching.

Forever love, I mean it.

Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding lights or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of the spark

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In catholic school, as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me "Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me
Have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down, the time for sleep is now
But it's nothing to cry about cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
I'll follow you into the dark.

You're in a better place, yet you left me far behind. I know that you're never coming back. That hurts me the fucking most. You were like my second mother. I blame myself for not saying goodbye. Cancer. What the fuck kind of monster is that? You didn't deserve it. Then again, no one does. There are so many people out there, who want to die, who don't have the will to live, yet you did, and you fought for it everyday. In the end, I guess the monster was just too strong and powerful. You fought a good fight, and I looked up to you for how headstrong you were. No matter how much pain you were in, you were smiling. No matter how sick you were, you never gave up. I admired you for being so selfless. You are who I looked up to. You taught me to savor life and grasp it in my hands. I just wish I got to see you before you had to go. Fuck life. I love you, and you knew I did. You loved me, and I knew that too. I'm going to fucking miss you Auntie, I don't know how I'll go on without you.

All The Small Things

Today was boring as fuck. School is so gay, I don't see why they make us go if all we're going to do is sit there. I mean, there are better things to do. Whatever.



I took a nap after school today XD. BOY did that feel great. I woke up feeling super refreshed and hungry. Haha. T-minus 8 days until school is done. Yes, that's the one thing that is keeping me going. I'm studying my little heart out so I can make it through the exams and possibly come out with a 86% average. I finished my hairstyling exam a week early, and finished with a 97%. All that's left for that class is the written portion, then GOODBYE grade 10 hairstyling. Those fucking mannequin (sp?) heads fuck up my hands big time! They're cut up, torn and really sore.


I honestly can't wait for summer. The minute exams are done, the minute I'm done, I'm going to go out and just hang out with my friends. I'm not even working as much, or too stressed, so why the fuck am I always exhausted? Maybe I'm crashing..



There are so many things out in the world I want to do, see, and try before I die. In English, first semester, we had to write a list of 50 things we wanted to do and see before we died. My list went on, and on, and on. Personally, I think that that is a good thing. Why live your life if you aren't going to do anything? You only live once. That's why I'll always jump at the opportunity to do something new and exciting. I'm the type of person who enjoys the rush of life. "High on Life", much? Haha, if that's possible, then that's exactly who I am. I'm a go-getter. I set goals for myself too high to reach, purposefully. I give it my all, and chase after my dreams as hard and fast as I can. Is that a good thing? Somedays I wonder if I have too many ambitions. By the time I'm 18.5, I plan on moving out into my own apartment. I want to move to Toronto, or L.A. I want to own my own hair-salon. I want to form a band to raise my voice.



Haha. I always question my motives. Why do I want to do this? How will I be able to do it? Can I make it on my own? I think I can do it. I don't take no for an answer.



We're getting closer to the stars

Aiming for the moon; reaching to the edge

Looking towards eternity, I want to fall

Fall down

Fall down, fall up, fall down

You can make it if you try

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Fuck work. Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

I booked June 20th off for my friends (birthday) party. It's kind of a big deal because she's like my best friend, and you only turn 16 once. I booked the day off two weeks ago, so I don't see a mother fucking problem.

I'm losing it today. Snapping at everyone, getting annoyed.. I just have a short temper! Maybe it's the new BC pills I'm on. My period has been fucked up the past couple months, so my mom put me on the pill to 'regulate' them. Personally, I think she's just not ready for another grandchild. I'm not sexually active, so she doesn't need to worry about me. Haha, the doctor even made me take a pregnancy test. Peeing in a cup is not as easy as it looks! Uggh what the fuck is wrong with me?

Autumn Leaves

I just got back from in-car drivers ed classes. I am proud to say that I can properly parallel park! I'm getting there, and at this rate, I'll be hitting the road to freedom in no time!

I feel completely alone. It seems as if all of my friends are finding "boyfriends", or interests. They're all pairing off like it was fucking Noah's Ark, and then there's me... by herself. I'm not totally complaining. I love them to death, and if their happy, then I'm happy for them. I've always had this self-consciousness-- this overwhelming sense of insecurity. I'm not gorgeous, I know that, I'm not thin, I know that, and I don't have boobs, that I can see for sure. I try my hardest to be happy with who I am, but sometimes it just becomes unbearable. My nose has a bump, my mid-section is wide, my hair is too short, my legs are so chicken-legged.. What if I tried looking at the good parts of myself rather than seeing the bad? See, that's the thing with me.. I always see the bad parts in myself. Maybe it's just harder to envision a non-distorted image. Our species is guilty for being our own worse critics. Overall, we are too hard on ourselves. I am one of those people.

My philosophy is, if you have a problem with me, get over it. I'm not going to change just for you. If you don't like who I am, then you know where the door is. I'm soo tired of people telling me what to do, who to be. Don't compare me to anyone else.

Miserable At Best

Today held a weird vibe that was following me around all day. I don't know if it was the fact that I slept in, or something else. I can't even say how it felt. School was the same old thing, run in gym, quiz in math, quiz in science, worked on hairstyling exam.. School, home, work. I'm falling into this routine that I'm itching to break.

He stared at me with those soft blue eyes.
He swallows me whole, then spits me out.
Can he see beneath my half-told lies?
Can he see into my eyes?
Maybe tomorrow, she thinks
Definitely not today.

I love how so much drama happened this year. It was definitely a shaping year for me. I found out today that my Auntie has/had cancer. This is my Auntie B. She is one of my favorites. I love it when she visits because she takes me shopping with her and she lets to pick everything out for my cousin. Let me say that she definitely isn't the best person out there, but I love her, no matter what, and this is something that she does not deserve. Cancer. I fucking hate it. It attacks the most innocent. It takes the vulnerable. If I could, I'd fight the battle against it with my own two hands. I've seen way too many people affected by that demon. Will there ever be a cure? Will our species ever grow immune to this deadly disease? I ask myself too many questions sometimes. Questions without answers. Sometimes, it's easier to face the inevitable.

Bring Me Your Love

City and Colour show last night was amazing! It definately wasn't what I expected, in a good way! If you've ever listened to Dallas Green's music, you would know that it is more soft, acoustic songs. It definately sounds different than the Alexisonfire stuff you're used to!

Black Lungs was the first opening band. Wade MacNeil (guitar/ vocals for Alexisonfire) has the best voice ever! You can tell that he really gets into the song. Honestly, his voice was heavenly. I had never heard of "Black Lungs" before so I didn't really know what to expect. But just hearing the name, you'd figure it was some hardcore shit. It was completely opposite. I got to meet Wade after the show and get my cd signed. He really is a down to earth and sweet guy!

Sleepercar was next. This band had a genuinely south sound. lol. They're from Texas, so basically that explains it. I had never heard them either before, but was definately in love with them. I loved the song lyrics. The bassist has some serious skills, so I was soo happy that I got to meet him after. That band has serious potential!

Last, of course, was City and Colour. It's really just Dallas Green, with some people on the side when needed for drums. His voice makes me melt. His lyrics make me go "awwwwwh". He was on stage singing his heart out, and between songs, joking around with people in the audience. He definately isn't like most "celebrities" you'd meet. Sadly, I didn't stick around long enough to meet him. When he played the song "Comin' Home" I was near tears. That was the first song I heard about two years ago by City and Colour. I can play that on the guitar, but I could never play it as well as Dallas Green.

If I had the chance I'd definately venture out of my way to see either of the three bands again.