oh baby, your so sweet

Full Life Update, The Paperheart Way.

So, I took a break from the computer, from blogging, for quite some time. Things in my life just weren't really going the way I would have liked them to be. The previous blog before this one, well, lets just say that I have tried my hardest to forget about what happened. My 'closest' friends and I just aren't as close, and that doesn't totally bug me. The ones that have stuck around have shown and proved that through thick and thin, they are true friends. For the past two months, I have not been to a guitar lesson, also I've barely picked up my guitar. The work load for the holidays has been HEAVY duty. I've been working 6-7 shifts a week, and the only nights I have off, I'd spend doing homework just so I could stay caught up in school. I considered dropping out of school, I'm not sure if I was serious about it or not, but the thought did cross my mind.

I've been trying to stay out of trouble.. and it's been working NOW, but in November.. that was another story. Right now, I'm 'seeing' this guy. I'm sure I've talked to some people on here about him. The 20 year old coworker? Things with him have been confusing. He told me that he liked me, when he was still with his girlfriend. I did not know what to say or do, so I just left it alone. Then he started to have girlfriend problems, and they broke up. Less then a week later, we're dating. I feel like it may have been my fault that they broke up. Things between us have actually been awesome, and I'm trying to make sense of how, for once, this fantastic guy who I like, likes me back. How is it possible that he can care about me, and watch out for me so much? I think he's just as much scared as I am for things to not work out, but we agreed to not get too serious because it's not really what either one of us are looking for right now. Did I mention he was 20? I'm 16, and he's 20. I know, it seems like it'd make things difficult, but it doesn't. He's not what you'd expect at all. He likes doing the things I do, and we've been just hanging out together, grabbing coffee, seeing movies, and lately we've been hanging out with my sister and niece.

I celebrated Christmas last night instead of today. Right now, it feels kind of weird and not like it's Christmas Day at all. My dad came over for dinner and to open presents. My niece was in her glory with all of her toys and clothes. She couldn't really open her gifts, so she smiled as she watched her Auntie and mommy open her gifts. Emily enjoyed playing with everything. I'm so happy that she enjoyed her first Christmas, even if she was cranky from all the excitement.

Anyways, that's all I can really think of right now. My eyes are sore from staring at the screen, and I believe I'm going to go eat some Rolo Ice Cream.

much love &hugs;;
- 007
<3

she fucking hates me

that was the worst mistake of my life.

i take every single minute back, i really didn't want to hurt you at all.
you are, or maybe were, my best friend. i was drunk. i don't know what was going through my head.

fuck, if hurts. i lost you. you were my best fucking friend. i really can't comprehend that night. i barely remember it.

there really is no excuse. you can hate me all you wish, because i understand why you would.

i'm just going to disappear for a while.. maybe forever. i don't deserve you at all.

summer fades to fall

.



just when life seems okay,
something comes along
and ruins it all



.

you opened up into my arms

Let's get an update of my life at the moment:

She found out that I started smoking. She didn't freak out like I thought she would.

"You don't have to be embarrassed.. but.."

*thinks of worst possible thing ever imaginable.

"I know you've been smoking. I'm not mad."

*breaths sigh of relief*

"Drinking I understand, smoking is tolerable. Drugs. Are. No."

"I love you mommy. =)"

"Love you too. "
*leaves room in silence*

Shit. I thought I was done for!
I think that my mom is more upset because we used to be so open with eachother. I think she is wondering why I didn't tell her these things. It's hard having to be the perfect little daughter who works and goes to school. I know, I'm just making up excuses now. It's my personal choice and I'm glad that she accepts that.

Anyways; work. What a doozy! So, I've had a teeny little crush on my co-worker for a while and lately, he's been confusing the fuck out of me! I don't know what he wants from me, he's sending these weird mixed signals. I love talking to him, because he understands what I'm going through. He's an amazing friend. Maybe it's not a crush, maybe it's just like.. he's like, my best friend. I'm not sure anymore. He pushes my buttons and he loves pissing me off. I hate seeing him upset so I'm always trying to cheer him up.

This blog to me sounds fucking ridiculous. Reading it over.. I'm thinking "Wow. I sound like such a fake. Someone who I would. not. like."
This post proves to me that I am not liking my actions. Fuck.

I'm done with this one, but I won't delete it, because to me, that's weak.

lipstick mirrors and glitter stickers

Fake.

It's a common word used everyday. Everywhere I go I see fake people, fake faces, fake smiles.. why does everyone feel the need to hide who they truly are, how they really feel? Why live if all you are going to be is the person everyone else wants you to be and not the person who you want to be? If someone tells you "You can't dress like that, you can't look like that. Listen to this band, wear your make up like this!", you know what you say? FUCK YOU.

I'm sick of this stupid bullshit. Everyone at my school looks the same, listens to the same shit, all to fit in. It just pisses me off! It's not that hard of a concept when you think about it. Think for yourselves. Don't take anyone's bullshit. Next time you walk past a mirror, take a good look at yourself. Don't look at the mirror, look through the mirror. See who you are on the inside, not the person everyone else wants you to be. Go and do something for yourself. Never ever let anyone tell you who to be, I've taken that shit before, and believe me, it's not worth it in the end. Sometimes you just need to say a big FUCK YOU to the posers around you and be an individual.

hiding in the shadows

So, I went for my run, and it's so amazing how clear your mind is when you run. Nothing to hear but your own heart and your feet colliding with the ground. Nothing to feel but the feeling of invincibility. And nothing to think about but how nothing and no one can catch you. I felt like I was running from my demons and honestly, I haven't felt that fucking great in a lifetime.

Watching my breath in the night, I was just in shock at the fact that it was so cold out and I felt nothing but the warmth of my own body heat. It's times like that where I am reminded at how alive I am. It reminds me not to afraid to live. I honestly felt like nothing can stop me from accomplishing the things I want, and need, to get done. Those are the times where I just crave the emotions and I feel like no one can stop me.

Nightmare before Christmas

I've never felt this way before. I'm exhausted, yet totally left feeling accomplished and happy. I don't care that I haven't gotten much sleep. I don't care that I can barely stay awake. I don't care how shitty I feel. I'm just glad I got that done. It's a great feeling having everything accomplished, and working so hard that you know in the end it'll be worth it.

Halloween is coming up, and I'm really excited about it. My nieces first Halloween, and she's going to be a lion. RAWR. I can't wait till she can go trick-or-treating. I remember when I was a kid, I had no one to go with, and I never got invited with my friends, and I felt like such a loner child when it was just me and my mom. It hurt, yeah, but it was quality time spent with my mom or dad. The candy was the best part. It's the one time a year when children are allowed to accept candy from strangers. It was always my favorite holiday because for one day, I could pretend to be someone or something else. I loved fantisizing about different creatures and beings. My imagination would just run wild!

It's kind of sad because this year, I don't get to celebrate it much. Yeah, there's a school dance, but it's not the same. I have to work on Halloween, but the plus side is I get to wear a costume to work. It just pisses me off when you see girls wearing the skankiest outfits and it being allowed because it's Halloween. It's disgusting. Seriously, have some self-respect. Just because it's fucking Halloween doesn't mean you can show off half of your ass in an itty-bitty skirt, and have your boobs hang out of half of your top. Put some clothes on PLEASE!

Sitting here getting ready for the concert.

I'm too excited actually. The last concert I went to was.. City and Colour? On May 31st. That was waaaay too long ago for my liking.

I think I'll blog later with something worth while of reading, and me typing. I just felt a little neglective to this space.

Happy Turkey Day !

To the fellow Canadians at least.

Elections are coming up, who are YOU voting for?

Personally, I'd say NDP!

Blog-hopping

It's amazing how one blog can lead you to another, which leads you to another, and another, and another. It's also amazing how you can read and figure out how other people view you.. You can also figure out where you are welcome and not.

I don't know what's been going on with myself lately. I'm happy, but then I'm not. Things have been totally confusing to me. Lol.. Like right now I don't even know what I'm saying, what I'm thinking. School has actually been pretty decent! I'm caught up in all of my classes! For me, that's actually normal to be caught up, but since school started a month ago, I've been slacking off. This is my second final year, so I really think that I should be giving my all.

On Saturday, I got in this HUGE fight with my two bestest friends* at work. (Yes, I'm aware that 'bestest' is not in the English dictionary). C got super mad at me because I told something to E, before I told her. It's really stupid, and I told her not to be so immature, but of course, it all kind of blew up. I got mad at E for this fight starting to begin with. I told him not to be such a big fucking dick, and that maybe he should take other people's feelings into consideration for one day in his life. This of course lead to him thinking "oh if no one likes me, then why am I working here? blah blah, blah". Needless to say, C and I are semi-sorted out, but I'm still not quite on speaking terms with E. I don't know if things will go 'back-to-normal' between me and him. I tried to apologize for being a bitch, but he wouldn't even listen. Our Sunday shift was definitely awkward, I mean, he's the one who I always talk to! I think that Saturday was just a terrible day for me. I was so moody. BUT I did get to go driving with my sister and her boyfriend. I drove his standard car, and let me tell you, that was a challenge! Not only did I not really grasp the clutch-gear-shifting mechanism, but I hit my sister's boyfriend with the car. It was more of a friendly bump. He was fixing something under the hood, and he told me to lift my foot off the clutch. How was I supposed to know that I had to keep my foot on the break?

Haha. Halloween is coming up. Which means S has her birthday the day before. I have to find her an awesome present, because she's been an awesome friend. Last year, around this time of the year, she's the one I could talk to, because no one else would listen. She's just an awesome friend, and I think she deserves the best.

Also, in exactly one week, I am going to the Hedley concert with my sister. Not many people like them, but I for sure do! Their song "For The Nights I Can't Remember" is my nieces song. When she was just a wee-one, that song would put her to sleep. She still gets a smile plastered on her face whenever she hears Jacob Hoggard's voice. I'm really excited for this show because I got my sister and I floor seats! We'll be so close to the bands!

I have to go work on this art project about subtractive paintings and another on abstract sculptures. Hopefully I figure out what to do for my own sculpture!

Note to self:

Dear me;

Please remember to do your homework. I know you're a lazy fuck sometimes, but you don't want to fall any more behind in class than you are, and it might help you to understand your classes if you did your homework. I'm cracking down now, because it's better to fix your flaws now, sooner than later. Basically, you didn't give a fuck at the beginning of the school year, but now, no more.

Also, don't worry so much. If they don't call you back for the job interview, it's not the end of the world. There's PLENTY of jobs in the sea for you.. maybe it's best for you to stay at A&W for a while. OR you could not be so chickenshit and not be so scared of change.

You had a nice sober weekend at home last weekend, so maybe do that again soon? The drinking may be a leading cause to your crankiness at work and home, and MAYBE, just MAYBE, you wouldn't be broke right now. ツ Your family only cares about you, just keep that in mind.

Just do these things for me, please?

Love always;
Me

Getting Mixed Up

These past three weeks of school have actually been decent.
The homework load is fucking heavy, but I can manage. Luckily, I have lots of time to do my homework, buuut I usually put it off. I'm beginning to wonder if I have ADD. Seriously, leave me to sit and do something, and I'll just get up and walk around and find something better to do. That is kind of affecting my guitar practicing. lol. I'll start to play this jazz riff, then think "Hey! Where the fuck did I put my water bottle? " then get up and search for that for nearly an hour.

I know lately I've made some super bad decisions, and I need to learn how to control myself. Haha, I'm sixteen, so I guess I'm bound to make some mistakes.

Hmm.. I am off to read.. or practice my guitar.. or idunno.

HAHA
byee<3

You are everything I wanted to be

I really need to stop falling asleep in class!! haha, it's not my fault the teacher's decide to be total fucking bores! Why don't you actually teach the class something, instead of throwing a textbook in our faces and saying 'OK READ CHAPTER 2, PAGES 34-68, AND WRITE A 5 PAGE REPORT ON BLAH BLAH-FUCKING-BLAH'. A monkey can teach better than you!

Anyways, uggh, family life is pissing me off. My mom and sister basically refuse to get along, in turn, my sister wants to move out.. meaning her and my niece would not live with me. Apart of me is happy, another part wants to tie her to a chair and make her stay. Alas, I know that she is a big girl, she can make her own decisions and take care of herself. I don't see how she will last considering she's 18, no job, and still in high school, with a kid. Oh well, her choice, not mine.

Right now, I'm looking for new stuff to listen to, new sounds. It's really disappointing how artists today are selling themselves out. Instead of making music that they like, they want to make, it's all for the record labels now. Singing the same old shit that every other person out there is doing. Seriously, take a fucking risk and step out of the box that everyone else is living in!

Another thing that has been pissing me off lately, is the people who aren't into a band for their music, but because 'OMGZZZ their like, soo f*%*$& # HOTZZ!". Seriously, grow up. It's people like that who make the rest of us teens look bad. For once, listen to a whole CD all the way through. Listen to the music without looking at the face of the singer or guitarist. Soak up the song for what it's fucking worth and not for what the person looks like. Take in the message and support a band because it's good and worth listening to. Jesus. I'm sick of going on bands myspaces and only seeing comments saying "You're soo hot, I want your babies!" and display names such as "Mrs. _(insert famous person's name)_". Not only is that disrespectful, but embarrassing on your part. It's people like that that make me shake my head in shame.

Work is pissing me off too. Stop hiring new people!! You're taking away from my hours. Do you think that I want to get sent home three fucking hours early?! Like, FUCK. You told me not to quit when I wanted to, and yet you're taking my hours away from me?! SERIOUSLY, make up your fucking mind, you either need me or you don't! There was one day when my boss called me in because they had no one else to work that night and they were getting killed. I was out with friends hanging out and having a good time, but my boss sounded so desperate and I'd feel bad if they got ass-raped when I could've helped stop it. So what do I do, ditch my friends to help them out. Clearly, I'm dedicated to my job, and they don't give a rats ass. Also, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME STOP MY GUITAR LESSONS! That's what i do for me, once a week, and they're trying to make me switch days so I can go to work at 10 am, NO THANKS! Uggh, tell me, why are people so stupid?!

In conclusion, people suck. =]

Woah oh

School actually isn't so bad. Not what I expected at all, really. I'm glad that I get to spend time with my friends, and that I get to be a normal teenager. I have less work hours, and more 'me' time. =] I'm saving up for a car for next summer so that I can do a road trip, and have more freedom, and maybe actually get to enjoy my summer more. Nothing big or extravagant, just a working, functioning, semi-decent, good-condition car.

I actually don't know what to type. But I'm alive, and around, just super busy. ^_^

<3

School starts today,
Not only am I excited, but I'm scared.
I'm not ready for summer to end at all!
I didn't do too too much this summer.
There's nothing that I do regret doing though.

To those who left comments, I'm terribly sorry for not getting back to you.
Life has been hectic with back to school events and finishing up summer projects.

More later.



....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Well, thanks to those who left messages yesterday, BUT today is the big day!

Y'all were a day early! lol. Thanks anyways! It means alot.

^_^ For those comments left, I'll get back to you as soon as I'm awake more.


xoxox;
- Me.

One daaay

I had the weekend off work
That was aweeeesome
I got to finally finish painting my room
Bright and vibrant
With a little dark twist?
lol. It's bright colours, toned down a bit
That was my birthday present to myself =]

Now I'm excited.
Let the celebration begin?

And guys; if you read this
I'm sorry.
I haven't been around and I'm not caught up in your lives.
I feel like I've been a horrible friend for not being here.
It's not like I don't care, cause I do.
So, I'm sorry for not always being around lately.

Four days ♥

I have outgrown that place.
It used to bring me comfort,
Now.. nothing.

Words used to have meaning.
Laughter used to be heard.
Friends used to be an existing word.

No more living with "used to be's" and "what if's"

I'll be sixteen in four days, and I realized no matter how special it once was
The magic will never be the same as it was nearly a year ago.

Feelings are still felt to the friends I've met and made.
Don't think that I don't care, because I do.

This blog will always be open and I will always be here.
This is not a good bye from this one.
It's a good bye from that one.

RAAWR

My lip ring is sooo sore right now.
I'm about to go for a walk, but I'm waiting for my Ipod to charge.

Summer is almost over! And thankfully I have all next weekend off!!! ^_^

My birthday is in like, TEN DAYS! I can't wait, yet I'm dreading it all the same. I can't wait to be sixteen, but then again, I hate celebrating birthdays! Oh well. The big One Six this year! Yay!

I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

Tonight has been a rough one. I'm trying my hardest to deal with situations and fight all of my demons.

Today a guy I know asked me out. I don't know how I feel about him, but I can't see me dating him. I mean, I don't really know him, but from what I do, I don't think we'd work. He doesn't know me at all, everything he see's is the fake me. He's only looking at my exterior. He's not the wealthiest, or most good looking person out there, and that has no affect on my decision. My friend tells me I could do better, but here's the thing, I don't think I can. It's the same old story. I'm not pretty enough, no one would want me. What's there to fucking like? The people I like, don't like me back. The people who like me, aren't who I like in return. That's life. But this situation brought back old things that I buried and left in the dust. Now it seems they are back. Sometimes the acceptance and approval of the ones who are closest to you is all you need.

Today as I was babysitting my cousins, I glanced over and saw a framed photograph of my Auntie who just died. Looking at her again made me realize how much I miss her. She was who I turned to with all of my problems and now she isn't here to help me. Yeah, I do 'talk' outloud as if she were here. I make sure she knows how much I miss her. Since she's died, my life has fallen apart so it seems. Maybe I'm just the one tearing down the walls. It could be my fault.

My dad... I try not letting that bug me, and to me.. by staying mad at him I am making things easier, but really I don't think I am. NO MATTER WHAT he is my dad, and I do love him, despite what I told him the day he left. But it's not going to be easy to trust him again. I want that relationship back. I want my daddy to hold me and tell me things will be fine. Really, what I want is my fucking happy childhood where the biggest problem I had was scraping my knee, and even then.. I had others there to fix it.

Tonight, I needed someone desperately to talk to. Luckily, I had my friend Caitlin by my side.. well on msn. But she helped me pick up the pieces. Despite our two year age difference, we've gone through the same stuff throughout our lives. I consider her my best friend.. and she's also my supervisor at work.

Right now I'm in a vulnerable state. I'm trying to be strong and plaster that smile on my face. I'm trying, and that is all that really matters right?

Light of night.

Shadows fade to fall
Darkness rises high
And I forget to feel it all
Take a stab at my soul
And I'll never let go--
There's a train wreck called pain

yeah, eff uu

I swear to god, if you try to fucking pull hero I will kick your ass. "Oh, soon you'll find who who your true friends are"

You'll be glad to know that we all know who they are. And you're not one of them. I'm sorry, but I let you go when you lied to my face, stabbed me and everyone else in the back, and the day that you decided to 'fix things' only to turn around and start drama again. Without you, my life has been pretty fucking fantastic, thanks. I don't need you. NONE OF US DO. You were never a 'good' friend, so I don't know what you're on.

None of us plan on going and 'crawling' back to you. Sorry for you to hear this, but we aren't babies, and we can manage on our own. You're just trying to look like the good girl because you have no one else! You did bring this on yourself. On Canada day, you ditched us for your boyfriend. You literally got up and walked away without speaking a word, and acted like a moody prick the rest of the night. Not even a sorry, not even a fucking breath. Yeah, I guess one of us could've tried talking to you about it, but we thought you'd get the hint after a month that we were better off without you. I swear, there has been NO drama, no fights, no arguments since I stopped talking to you. You turned everything about you. Self-centered much?

I'm sorry, but it gives me fucking chills to just hear your name. Do us a favor and leave us alone. Kay, thanks! =]

let those tears fly

I'm frustrated with the world.
I'm pissed for many reasons.
Right now the only thing I can do is just have a good cry.

So much has gone on lately.

I use this blog to write for me, no one else. I don't expect anyone to comment, read, or even care about my fucking ramblings.

I'm pissed because it's a damn funeral for a good guy, show some respect! I don't know what the hell they are talking about, but no one deserves to die the way that poor guy did. (RE: Westboro Church)

I'm pissed at a certain ex-friend. I can't believe you'd even try this again. What are are you trying to start drama? Clearly we don't want to talk to you, just fuck off.

I'm stressed with family matters. He left. She died. There's arguments, disagreements. I know things won't always be perfect, but I just want for once in my life things to not be stupid.

I'm confused with life. I don't know what came over me last weekend, and I'm sorry for my actions, but I don't regret it. Maybe I do like you, maybe you have feelings for me, but it would never happen. You have a girlfriend.

Song lyrics

Jasey Rae - All Time Low

The lights out,
I still hear the rain,
These images that fill my head,
Now keep my fingers from making mistakes,
Tell my voice what it takes,
To speak up,
Speak up,
and keep my conscience clean when I wake.

Don't make this easy,
I want you to mean it,
Jasey. (say you mean it)
You're dressed to kill,
I'm calling you out, (don't waste your time on me)

Now there's an aching in my back;
a stabbing pain that says I lack,
the common sense and confidence,
to bring an end to promises,
that I make in times of desperate conversation,
hoping my night could be better than theirs in the end.
Just say when.

Don't make this easy,
I want you to mean it,
Jasey. (say you mean it)
You're dressed to kill,
I'm calling you out, (don't waste your time on me)

I've never told a lie,
and that makes me a liar,
I've never made a bet,
but we gamble with desire,
I've never lit a match,
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames,
are getting out of control.
Call me a name,
Kill me with words,
Forget about me,
It's what I deserve,
I was your chance,
to get out of this town,
but I ditched the car,
and left you to,

Wait outside,
I hope the air will serve to remind you,
that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath,
and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest.

Again - Faber Drive

Underneath my skin is it just anger, just frustration?
Underneath my skin is it decisions or these feelings?
It always hurt my mind (it always hurt my mind)
It always killed my pride inside.
It always wastes my time
Again, again..

Again i bleed, again i shake.
Again i fall, again i break.
Wasted, hated.
Again, again..

Underneath my skin is it just anger, just frustration?
Underneath my skin is it just nothing, or these feelings?
'cause all of mine just fades. (all of mine just fades)
No, i don't feel what i felt before.
I'm back inside this cage.
Again, again..

Again i bleed, again i shake.
Again i fall, again i break.
Wasted, hated.
Again, again..

Again i burn, take it all.
Inside my head, i hate the world,
Because i don't know (don't know)
I let go
Again, again..

Underneath my skin is it just anger, just frustration?
Underneath my skin is it just nothing, or these feelings?
'cause all of mine just fades.
Again, again..

Again i bleed, again i shake.
Again i fall, again i break.
Wasted, hated.
Again, again..

Again i burn, and take it all.
But inside my head, i hate the world,
Because i don't know (don't know)
I let go.
Again, again..

Again.
Again.
Again.
Again

Ashamed and confessions.

Twelve fucking hours of sleep last night, and it was like being in heaven. I spent Saturday night at a friends and got three hours of sleep, working eight hours the next day. It was a fucked up night, but an amazing one.

I've learned some things from Saturday night;
1.) I'm a flirt when drunk.
2.) Don't mix weed with alcohol.
3.) I worry lots.
4.) When under the influence, I can chain smoke a mile.

I lied to my mother, my sister, my friends. I feel horrible, but fan-fucking-tastic at the same time. For once, I finally had fun this summer.

Forgive me?

=]

For those worried or concerned, no need for it. Things in my life are sorting themselves out. As hurt as I was about the whole father situation, I know it's for the best. Yes, I'm still holding it against him, but what's a girl to do?

My brother is getting married in a year and one day! Isn't that exciting?! And tomorrow, or today rather, I'm going to see some family channel singer at the mall I work at. It shall be fun!

Anyways, I know some wanted to see a pic of my new piercing, so I shall post a pic on this blog below!



...




Nevermind. They apparently want to be UP THERE, not DOWN THERE. =(

Anywhooo's.

Rawr<3

P.S. Please disregard the weird faces I make in pictures. I tend to 'pout' or do the rawr face. ^_^

Hey guys!

How are we all doing tonight? I see that the same old drama is being brought back up. Don't let it get to you, you're all better than this bickering. (yes, anons, that includes you ;) Did everyone have a Happy Tuesday? I sure hope so! Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day sleeping, then calling around to different tattoo parlours for my piercing. I'm soo stoked; too excited for words.

Anyways; so much shit has gone on recently, as I said in my earlier comment, so I haven't been able to come around. As I have told Fimble Star via myspace messages, my parents have taken a break from their relationship. I've been living without my dad for a week, and really, I don't care. Well, I guess I do, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. My mom seems happier, so that's what matters most, right? If she can stay strong, then so can I. =D

But, all of this shit has yet again made me stronger. It's making me more independent. I'm ready to help my mom out if she needs it. I can't bring myself to have a civilized conversation with my father though. I blame him, obviously. He's the one who decided to walk out the fucking door. It was his choice to make, and he made it.

You know that feeling you have in your gut-- no not the one saying your hungry-- but the one that tells you that you made the wrong choice? Yeah, I think I'm scared of that feeling. I've felt it soo many times before. I'm always stressing out when the time comes to choose what path to take. I'm not totally scared of the outcome, I'm scared of making the wrong choice. It's nerve-wracking to not know if things would be different if you had chosen a different direction. I'm only beginning Grade 11 in September, yet this is the time where I'm beginning to think about college, university, and life after high school. I've looked into a few, and I only know one thing-- I want out of Winnipeg. I think I will be ready to spread my wings and leave the nest, I'm just not sure if my parents will be ready for it.

I still have dreams of taking my guitar playing professionally, but I know that that is nothing but a dream. But then again, you should always follow your dreams. Take what is in your heart and make it into a reality.

Anyways; RAWR.

xoxox;
- 007
<3

The Classic Crime - Seattle

Is it wrong that I like you so much?

untitled poem

Swallowing me whole and then spitting me right out
You said you loved me once before;
But then you showed me the back door
It's not as easy as it seems - -
To hold this smile across my face
I feel like I'm running in a never-ending race
A race against you and me

Walking around in a mindless blur
Faces passing by in masks of different hues
Letting life slip through like grains of sand
Why push forward, when there is nothing to reach.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck-fuckity-fuck, fuck.
I don't know what I've been feeling lately. Nothing. There is an unexplainable emptiness inside of me. I never know what I'm doing. I don't seem to give a shit anymore. To those who have taken the time to comment or even just read my blogs, it's appreciated. You don't have to, this place is just where I put down my random babbles and thoughts. My mom, sister and niece left today. They went to go back to Nunavut for the funeral. Everyone is leaving me, I can't help but feel alone and empty.

I don't think that I'm depressed or anything. Half the time there is still a endless smile on my face, half the time I'm laughing. I just don't feel anything right now. I don't feel like socializing at the moment, so I'm sorry if I'm not all there. I'm sorry if I zone out.

She watched the bottle slip to the ground below
Shattering, breaking to a million little pieces.
He grabbed her by the hands and pulled her in his arms
"Don't give up," he said, "I'll love you till the end"
Trying to find the truth in his words- -
Looking for the comfort she once knew

She looked into his eyes
And saw a the reflection of pain
Wanting nothing but the stars and the moon,
It all came crashing down.
Down to the ground.
Swallowing her whole, she pulled herself out
And back in his arms
Reaching towards some sense of security.

"How do I know," she asked, "that this isn't a lie.
That you won't turn your back?"
Taking a swig, she tried to hold back.
She let it all go.
The tears they fell, and he wiped them away.

And he's searching;
and she's searching.

Forever love, I mean it.

Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding lights or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of the spark

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In catholic school, as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me "Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me
Have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down, the time for sleep is now
But it's nothing to cry about cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
I'll follow you into the dark.

You're in a better place, yet you left me far behind. I know that you're never coming back. That hurts me the fucking most. You were like my second mother. I blame myself for not saying goodbye. Cancer. What the fuck kind of monster is that? You didn't deserve it. Then again, no one does. There are so many people out there, who want to die, who don't have the will to live, yet you did, and you fought for it everyday. In the end, I guess the monster was just too strong and powerful. You fought a good fight, and I looked up to you for how headstrong you were. No matter how much pain you were in, you were smiling. No matter how sick you were, you never gave up. I admired you for being so selfless. You are who I looked up to. You taught me to savor life and grasp it in my hands. I just wish I got to see you before you had to go. Fuck life. I love you, and you knew I did. You loved me, and I knew that too. I'm going to fucking miss you Auntie, I don't know how I'll go on without you.

All The Small Things

Today was boring as fuck. School is so gay, I don't see why they make us go if all we're going to do is sit there. I mean, there are better things to do. Whatever.



I took a nap after school today XD. BOY did that feel great. I woke up feeling super refreshed and hungry. Haha. T-minus 8 days until school is done. Yes, that's the one thing that is keeping me going. I'm studying my little heart out so I can make it through the exams and possibly come out with a 86% average. I finished my hairstyling exam a week early, and finished with a 97%. All that's left for that class is the written portion, then GOODBYE grade 10 hairstyling. Those fucking mannequin (sp?) heads fuck up my hands big time! They're cut up, torn and really sore.


I honestly can't wait for summer. The minute exams are done, the minute I'm done, I'm going to go out and just hang out with my friends. I'm not even working as much, or too stressed, so why the fuck am I always exhausted? Maybe I'm crashing..



There are so many things out in the world I want to do, see, and try before I die. In English, first semester, we had to write a list of 50 things we wanted to do and see before we died. My list went on, and on, and on. Personally, I think that that is a good thing. Why live your life if you aren't going to do anything? You only live once. That's why I'll always jump at the opportunity to do something new and exciting. I'm the type of person who enjoys the rush of life. "High on Life", much? Haha, if that's possible, then that's exactly who I am. I'm a go-getter. I set goals for myself too high to reach, purposefully. I give it my all, and chase after my dreams as hard and fast as I can. Is that a good thing? Somedays I wonder if I have too many ambitions. By the time I'm 18.5, I plan on moving out into my own apartment. I want to move to Toronto, or L.A. I want to own my own hair-salon. I want to form a band to raise my voice.



Haha. I always question my motives. Why do I want to do this? How will I be able to do it? Can I make it on my own? I think I can do it. I don't take no for an answer.



We're getting closer to the stars

Aiming for the moon; reaching to the edge

Looking towards eternity, I want to fall

Fall down

Fall down, fall up, fall down

You can make it if you try

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Fuck work. Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

I booked June 20th off for my friends (birthday) party. It's kind of a big deal because she's like my best friend, and you only turn 16 once. I booked the day off two weeks ago, so I don't see a mother fucking problem.

I'm losing it today. Snapping at everyone, getting annoyed.. I just have a short temper! Maybe it's the new BC pills I'm on. My period has been fucked up the past couple months, so my mom put me on the pill to 'regulate' them. Personally, I think she's just not ready for another grandchild. I'm not sexually active, so she doesn't need to worry about me. Haha, the doctor even made me take a pregnancy test. Peeing in a cup is not as easy as it looks! Uggh what the fuck is wrong with me?

Autumn Leaves

I just got back from in-car drivers ed classes. I am proud to say that I can properly parallel park! I'm getting there, and at this rate, I'll be hitting the road to freedom in no time!

I feel completely alone. It seems as if all of my friends are finding "boyfriends", or interests. They're all pairing off like it was fucking Noah's Ark, and then there's me... by herself. I'm not totally complaining. I love them to death, and if their happy, then I'm happy for them. I've always had this self-consciousness-- this overwhelming sense of insecurity. I'm not gorgeous, I know that, I'm not thin, I know that, and I don't have boobs, that I can see for sure. I try my hardest to be happy with who I am, but sometimes it just becomes unbearable. My nose has a bump, my mid-section is wide, my hair is too short, my legs are so chicken-legged.. What if I tried looking at the good parts of myself rather than seeing the bad? See, that's the thing with me.. I always see the bad parts in myself. Maybe it's just harder to envision a non-distorted image. Our species is guilty for being our own worse critics. Overall, we are too hard on ourselves. I am one of those people.

My philosophy is, if you have a problem with me, get over it. I'm not going to change just for you. If you don't like who I am, then you know where the door is. I'm soo tired of people telling me what to do, who to be. Don't compare me to anyone else.

Miserable At Best

Today held a weird vibe that was following me around all day. I don't know if it was the fact that I slept in, or something else. I can't even say how it felt. School was the same old thing, run in gym, quiz in math, quiz in science, worked on hairstyling exam.. School, home, work. I'm falling into this routine that I'm itching to break.

He stared at me with those soft blue eyes.
He swallows me whole, then spits me out.
Can he see beneath my half-told lies?
Can he see into my eyes?
Maybe tomorrow, she thinks
Definitely not today.

I love how so much drama happened this year. It was definitely a shaping year for me. I found out today that my Auntie has/had cancer. This is my Auntie B. She is one of my favorites. I love it when she visits because she takes me shopping with her and she lets to pick everything out for my cousin. Let me say that she definitely isn't the best person out there, but I love her, no matter what, and this is something that she does not deserve. Cancer. I fucking hate it. It attacks the most innocent. It takes the vulnerable. If I could, I'd fight the battle against it with my own two hands. I've seen way too many people affected by that demon. Will there ever be a cure? Will our species ever grow immune to this deadly disease? I ask myself too many questions sometimes. Questions without answers. Sometimes, it's easier to face the inevitable.

Bring Me Your Love

City and Colour show last night was amazing! It definately wasn't what I expected, in a good way! If you've ever listened to Dallas Green's music, you would know that it is more soft, acoustic songs. It definately sounds different than the Alexisonfire stuff you're used to!

Black Lungs was the first opening band. Wade MacNeil (guitar/ vocals for Alexisonfire) has the best voice ever! You can tell that he really gets into the song. Honestly, his voice was heavenly. I had never heard of "Black Lungs" before so I didn't really know what to expect. But just hearing the name, you'd figure it was some hardcore shit. It was completely opposite. I got to meet Wade after the show and get my cd signed. He really is a down to earth and sweet guy!

Sleepercar was next. This band had a genuinely south sound. lol. They're from Texas, so basically that explains it. I had never heard them either before, but was definately in love with them. I loved the song lyrics. The bassist has some serious skills, so I was soo happy that I got to meet him after. That band has serious potential!

Last, of course, was City and Colour. It's really just Dallas Green, with some people on the side when needed for drums. His voice makes me melt. His lyrics make me go "awwwwwh". He was on stage singing his heart out, and between songs, joking around with people in the audience. He definately isn't like most "celebrities" you'd meet. Sadly, I didn't stick around long enough to meet him. When he played the song "Comin' Home" I was near tears. That was the first song I heard about two years ago by City and Colour. I can play that on the guitar, but I could never play it as well as Dallas Green.

If I had the chance I'd definately venture out of my way to see either of the three bands again.

This boy makes me smile.

Why the fuck do you make me feel this way? I honestly feel like you are leading me on. You have a girlfriend and you still choose to flirt with me. You think you know me, but really you don't. Yeah, I have feelings for you, but how can I be sure that you do or don't? Please, just don't do this to me. She may be half way across the country, but that doesn't mean that I'm here to replace her. I think that you know that I like you, or think that I do, so that's why you're using me. I think I have you figured out. I could be wrong though, and I don't want to just assume things.

You told me that you don't feel the same way about her, is that supposed to be a hint?

FUCK I'm confused. Don't do this to me, pleeeeeeeease.