April's fool?

There is so much I absolutely hate right now.
I don't even know where to really start; where everything starts or finishes. My mind is literally scattered all over the place..
I'll start where I think is the most solid point. Tomorrow is my last exam of my first year of university. I managed to scrape by, with decent grades, but I feel like such a failure. I didn't give it my all and I know I could have done so much better than I did, but out of pure laziness and lack of interest in any class I had I gave up literally the first day I stepped into the atmosphere. I found myself staring in space more often than listening to the Prof's discuss the importance of Pride&Prejudice or why political ideologies shape the foundation of a social workers careers.. It all seemed like common knowledge until I got into the exam room.. I feel like I'm doing this whole university thing to please those around me, rather than for myself. When do I figure out what is best for me and not what's best for everyone else? I don't want people to think I'm a failure if I take another path to my goal. I can't see my life without education, without school or studying, but is the whole university thing, my thing? I don't think so.. I don't see myself sitting in a desk for another 3 years, studying shit that doesn't even interest me or make sense in my simple mind.
My dad doesn't even believe in me and me going to university. He sees it as a waste of money, he thinks I am wasting my time, and he told me before I even started that I won't last long. Do you know what that feels like? This jerk, who I call my father, the guy I once adored and cried for at night while he was out cheating on my mother.. how could he say that to me? He's not around, he doesn't know who the fuck I am or what I like. He's not interested in my life, just my sisters because she had my niece. I feel like if I got pregnant I'd pretty much get everything I wanted. Well, not really, but I'd finally get the attention I've always craved from my father. The sad thing is... I don't want to admit it, but he's right. My education right now is indeed a waste of money, I don't know what I want! I haven't lasted long, so maybe he knows something I don't about myself or what I want.
It just sucks, you know? I grew up with such a broken family, and there are going to be lasting impacts on my life until the day I die. I can't trust my boyfriend because I couldn't trust my dad. I can't see myself ever being happy.. The simplest things make me happy yet it's those things that are the hardest for me to apparently keep in my life. I dislike my job soo much, I contemplate quitting in the biggest way. I want to make a scene and just say "Fuck you all! I've done so much for you, and you don't see it!" and walk out. That would totally be epic in my books. The amount of unfair... unfairness in my work place is mind blowing. I'm at battle with my equal coworker because she's dating the bosses son. First off, when I met my boyfriend at A&W, and we started dating, it was 'frowned upon' and we were separated from shifts together, yet this chick and her lover get every shift and every single day off together. Secondly, the boss doesn't see anything wrong in this, and favours the two beyond any sort of belief. It's definitely making my life at A&W shitty. As if working at a fast food place for 3 years wasn't shitty enough, right?
I honestly just want to scream right now. I should be happy, things are pretty calm in my life right now. Maybe I'm just freaking out to create drama. That's definitely what my boyfriend would think. I just need someone to talk to, someone to open up to, which is definitely why I needed to post this blog. Here is where I once felt most at home.. I just needed someone, something, anything to dump my shit on. This is the first of many wonderful rants within the next few days, I can guarantee you that.

They say that you shouldn't live in the past, but what if you can't live in the present, or have no future as of yet to look forward to? What I would give to turn back the damn clock to a simpler, less complicated time...

life is great .

Life is full of heartache-
For those who did not know.

Some is good, some not so bad
Some will make you grow

For every day of heartache
You'll earn a little smile

And for every full-grown smile
You'll earn a lot of love
.

Another death .. ?

RIP Grandpa.
You were the last grandparent I had alive.
I hadn't seen you in a couple of years, but that does not change a thing.
I love you, and I know your in a better and safer place.

<3

take me with you ;i start to miss you

♥

It's been two months, one week, 18 hours, and 51 minutes since you left this world.

You'd think it'd get maybe just a little bit easier... but boy, was I wrong.

I was in your room not more than ten minutes ago, and I could still smell you, still feel you.

I miss him more than words can say, more than any one can imagine.

At times, I'm scared that I'm going to forget your smile, your laugh, your smell.. anything.

I am worried that I will forget you, and that scares me more than anything.

Last month I had a dream of my brother.

He was smiling, he was chubby, and looked good &healthy.

I knew I was dreaming and forced myself not to wake up.

I asked if he was doing alright and why he was in my dream.

He told me he was taken care of, and he told me not to worry about him.

The thing that really bugged me was not being able to hug him..

He wouldn't let me.

I know it was just a dream, not my reality, but it felt so real.

*sigh* Life is one tough ride to get through.

I am strong.

I am a fighter.

♥

!&$#(!*#&)!$

Your such a stupid fuck.
I really care about you and you don't get that.
I just lost someone really close to me in a car accident,
and then I get a text from you at 3 am telling me that you fucking fell asleep at the wheel??!
OBVIOUSLY, I will not be impressed and be mad, angry, upset, confused, and scared all in one..
I don't want to go through another funeral right now,
Especially not with you.
You'd think that seeing him laying lifeless in the hospital bed would knock some sense into you.

Words can't even describe how upset I am.
And now you're laying here beside me, safe and sound.
What if I lost you too?
I'd clearly go crazy.


I dont want to admit it or say it out loud,
But I think that I do love you...

wake me up when september ends

We may not have always gotten along, but you will always be my big brother. You always watched out for me when times got rough, and I hope you knew that I was always there for you. I don't think I ever said it enough, or showed you how much I cared, but I really really love you. I will always remember you and never forget you. Wherever you may be right now, I know that you are happy. I don't know how I'm going to live every day of my life without you in it. It's just weird. We talked about the possibility of death, and I know that you don't want us to worry. I know you would want me to move on, but it's just going to be hard. It wasn't your time, you had so much to live for. Your dreams were just coming true. I want to make you proud, I want to live my life to the fullest possible potential for you. Nothing could've prepared me for losing you, Troy. I love you, forever and always.



♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

drive me crazy

WOW.

That was a close fucking call! I never thought that realizing that I was just gaining weight would make today the happiest day of my life!

Happy belated Valentine's day!! I spent my first Valentines day with someone this year. Really, it's just an overrated commercial holiday, used as a ploy to dig deeper and deeper into societies wallets. Why I celebrated it this year.. I don't know. I just really like the guy. =) It's been almost 3 months between us, and I think it might be too early to say that I love him. My friend says that she can tell that I am 'falling in love' with him, but I don't know how or why. We fight constantly. We get under each others skin and drive each other nuts half the time. We fight, then make up. Over stupid things too. I don't want to get too close, I don't want to get hurt, I know this won't last forever. Maybe Johnny is right, maybe I am scared of commitment.

Second semester this year is a cake walk.

Geography- I already have 100% in that class, talk about easy.
Baking- my favorite past time, and I'm on all the chef's good side because I know what I'm doing. Grade 12 English- my one grade 12 class, and it's pretty much reading and doing comprehension questions. So far that class is slack.
Biology- pretty much the hardest class I have this semester. But I can do it. =)

I'm in the process of branching off and figuring out my life. Which to me means that I have to leave A&W soon. I love who I work with, that's how I met the boy after all, but I'm not going anywhere, and my checks are dwindling smaller and smaller. Is it greedy to feel like I deserve more? I'm also considering universities. Meaning I must step it up a notch in school. I'm going to work my fucking ass off for the next 16 months until graduation. I fucking need out of Winnipeg, out of my house.. I need my independence! So far the two paths I am considering are pastry chef or social work. Perhaps an addiction counselor? We'll see, I still have time, but it is running out ever so slowly..