April's fool?

There is so much I absolutely hate right now.
I don't even know where to really start; where everything starts or finishes. My mind is literally scattered all over the place..
I'll start where I think is the most solid point. Tomorrow is my last exam of my first year of university. I managed to scrape by, with decent grades, but I feel like such a failure. I didn't give it my all and I know I could have done so much better than I did, but out of pure laziness and lack of interest in any class I had I gave up literally the first day I stepped into the atmosphere. I found myself staring in space more often than listening to the Prof's discuss the importance of Pride&Prejudice or why political ideologies shape the foundation of a social workers careers.. It all seemed like common knowledge until I got into the exam room.. I feel like I'm doing this whole university thing to please those around me, rather than for myself. When do I figure out what is best for me and not what's best for everyone else? I don't want people to think I'm a failure if I take another path to my goal. I can't see my life without education, without school or studying, but is the whole university thing, my thing? I don't think so.. I don't see myself sitting in a desk for another 3 years, studying shit that doesn't even interest me or make sense in my simple mind.
My dad doesn't even believe in me and me going to university. He sees it as a waste of money, he thinks I am wasting my time, and he told me before I even started that I won't last long. Do you know what that feels like? This jerk, who I call my father, the guy I once adored and cried for at night while he was out cheating on my mother.. how could he say that to me? He's not around, he doesn't know who the fuck I am or what I like. He's not interested in my life, just my sisters because she had my niece. I feel like if I got pregnant I'd pretty much get everything I wanted. Well, not really, but I'd finally get the attention I've always craved from my father. The sad thing is... I don't want to admit it, but he's right. My education right now is indeed a waste of money, I don't know what I want! I haven't lasted long, so maybe he knows something I don't about myself or what I want.
It just sucks, you know? I grew up with such a broken family, and there are going to be lasting impacts on my life until the day I die. I can't trust my boyfriend because I couldn't trust my dad. I can't see myself ever being happy.. The simplest things make me happy yet it's those things that are the hardest for me to apparently keep in my life. I dislike my job soo much, I contemplate quitting in the biggest way. I want to make a scene and just say "Fuck you all! I've done so much for you, and you don't see it!" and walk out. That would totally be epic in my books. The amount of unfair... unfairness in my work place is mind blowing. I'm at battle with my equal coworker because she's dating the bosses son. First off, when I met my boyfriend at A&W, and we started dating, it was 'frowned upon' and we were separated from shifts together, yet this chick and her lover get every shift and every single day off together. Secondly, the boss doesn't see anything wrong in this, and favours the two beyond any sort of belief. It's definitely making my life at A&W shitty. As if working at a fast food place for 3 years wasn't shitty enough, right?
I honestly just want to scream right now. I should be happy, things are pretty calm in my life right now. Maybe I'm just freaking out to create drama. That's definitely what my boyfriend would think. I just need someone to talk to, someone to open up to, which is definitely why I needed to post this blog. Here is where I once felt most at home.. I just needed someone, something, anything to dump my shit on. This is the first of many wonderful rants within the next few days, I can guarantee you that.

They say that you shouldn't live in the past, but what if you can't live in the present, or have no future as of yet to look forward to? What I would give to turn back the damn clock to a simpler, less complicated time...

life is great .

Life is full of heartache-
For those who did not know.

Some is good, some not so bad
Some will make you grow

For every day of heartache
You'll earn a little smile

And for every full-grown smile
You'll earn a lot of love
.

Another death .. ?

RIP Grandpa.
You were the last grandparent I had alive.
I hadn't seen you in a couple of years, but that does not change a thing.
I love you, and I know your in a better and safer place.

<3

take me with you ;i start to miss you

♥

It's been two months, one week, 18 hours, and 51 minutes since you left this world.

You'd think it'd get maybe just a little bit easier... but boy, was I wrong.

I was in your room not more than ten minutes ago, and I could still smell you, still feel you.

I miss him more than words can say, more than any one can imagine.

At times, I'm scared that I'm going to forget your smile, your laugh, your smell.. anything.

I am worried that I will forget you, and that scares me more than anything.

Last month I had a dream of my brother.

He was smiling, he was chubby, and looked good &healthy.

I knew I was dreaming and forced myself not to wake up.

I asked if he was doing alright and why he was in my dream.

He told me he was taken care of, and he told me not to worry about him.

The thing that really bugged me was not being able to hug him..

He wouldn't let me.

I know it was just a dream, not my reality, but it felt so real.

*sigh* Life is one tough ride to get through.

I am strong.

I am a fighter.

♥

!&$#(!*#&)!$

Your such a stupid fuck.
I really care about you and you don't get that.
I just lost someone really close to me in a car accident,
and then I get a text from you at 3 am telling me that you fucking fell asleep at the wheel??!
OBVIOUSLY, I will not be impressed and be mad, angry, upset, confused, and scared all in one..
I don't want to go through another funeral right now,
Especially not with you.
You'd think that seeing him laying lifeless in the hospital bed would knock some sense into you.

Words can't even describe how upset I am.
And now you're laying here beside me, safe and sound.
What if I lost you too?
I'd clearly go crazy.


I dont want to admit it or say it out loud,
But I think that I do love you...

wake me up when september ends

We may not have always gotten along, but you will always be my big brother. You always watched out for me when times got rough, and I hope you knew that I was always there for you. I don't think I ever said it enough, or showed you how much I cared, but I really really love you. I will always remember you and never forget you. Wherever you may be right now, I know that you are happy. I don't know how I'm going to live every day of my life without you in it. It's just weird. We talked about the possibility of death, and I know that you don't want us to worry. I know you would want me to move on, but it's just going to be hard. It wasn't your time, you had so much to live for. Your dreams were just coming true. I want to make you proud, I want to live my life to the fullest possible potential for you. Nothing could've prepared me for losing you, Troy. I love you, forever and always.



♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

drive me crazy

WOW.

That was a close fucking call! I never thought that realizing that I was just gaining weight would make today the happiest day of my life!

Happy belated Valentine's day!! I spent my first Valentines day with someone this year. Really, it's just an overrated commercial holiday, used as a ploy to dig deeper and deeper into societies wallets. Why I celebrated it this year.. I don't know. I just really like the guy. =) It's been almost 3 months between us, and I think it might be too early to say that I love him. My friend says that she can tell that I am 'falling in love' with him, but I don't know how or why. We fight constantly. We get under each others skin and drive each other nuts half the time. We fight, then make up. Over stupid things too. I don't want to get too close, I don't want to get hurt, I know this won't last forever. Maybe Johnny is right, maybe I am scared of commitment.

Second semester this year is a cake walk.

Geography- I already have 100% in that class, talk about easy.
Baking- my favorite past time, and I'm on all the chef's good side because I know what I'm doing. Grade 12 English- my one grade 12 class, and it's pretty much reading and doing comprehension questions. So far that class is slack.
Biology- pretty much the hardest class I have this semester. But I can do it. =)

I'm in the process of branching off and figuring out my life. Which to me means that I have to leave A&W soon. I love who I work with, that's how I met the boy after all, but I'm not going anywhere, and my checks are dwindling smaller and smaller. Is it greedy to feel like I deserve more? I'm also considering universities. Meaning I must step it up a notch in school. I'm going to work my fucking ass off for the next 16 months until graduation. I fucking need out of Winnipeg, out of my house.. I need my independence! So far the two paths I am considering are pastry chef or social work. Perhaps an addiction counselor? We'll see, I still have time, but it is running out ever so slowly..

oh baby, your so sweet

Full Life Update, The Paperheart Way.

So, I took a break from the computer, from blogging, for quite some time. Things in my life just weren't really going the way I would have liked them to be. The previous blog before this one, well, lets just say that I have tried my hardest to forget about what happened. My 'closest' friends and I just aren't as close, and that doesn't totally bug me. The ones that have stuck around have shown and proved that through thick and thin, they are true friends. For the past two months, I have not been to a guitar lesson, also I've barely picked up my guitar. The work load for the holidays has been HEAVY duty. I've been working 6-7 shifts a week, and the only nights I have off, I'd spend doing homework just so I could stay caught up in school. I considered dropping out of school, I'm not sure if I was serious about it or not, but the thought did cross my mind.

I've been trying to stay out of trouble.. and it's been working NOW, but in November.. that was another story. Right now, I'm 'seeing' this guy. I'm sure I've talked to some people on here about him. The 20 year old coworker? Things with him have been confusing. He told me that he liked me, when he was still with his girlfriend. I did not know what to say or do, so I just left it alone. Then he started to have girlfriend problems, and they broke up. Less then a week later, we're dating. I feel like it may have been my fault that they broke up. Things between us have actually been awesome, and I'm trying to make sense of how, for once, this fantastic guy who I like, likes me back. How is it possible that he can care about me, and watch out for me so much? I think he's just as much scared as I am for things to not work out, but we agreed to not get too serious because it's not really what either one of us are looking for right now. Did I mention he was 20? I'm 16, and he's 20. I know, it seems like it'd make things difficult, but it doesn't. He's not what you'd expect at all. He likes doing the things I do, and we've been just hanging out together, grabbing coffee, seeing movies, and lately we've been hanging out with my sister and niece.

I celebrated Christmas last night instead of today. Right now, it feels kind of weird and not like it's Christmas Day at all. My dad came over for dinner and to open presents. My niece was in her glory with all of her toys and clothes. She couldn't really open her gifts, so she smiled as she watched her Auntie and mommy open her gifts. Emily enjoyed playing with everything. I'm so happy that she enjoyed her first Christmas, even if she was cranky from all the excitement.

Anyways, that's all I can really think of right now. My eyes are sore from staring at the screen, and I believe I'm going to go eat some Rolo Ice Cream.

much love &hugs;;
- 007
<3

she fucking hates me

that was the worst mistake of my life.

i take every single minute back, i really didn't want to hurt you at all.
you are, or maybe were, my best friend. i was drunk. i don't know what was going through my head.

fuck, if hurts. i lost you. you were my best fucking friend. i really can't comprehend that night. i barely remember it.

there really is no excuse. you can hate me all you wish, because i understand why you would.

i'm just going to disappear for a while.. maybe forever. i don't deserve you at all.

summer fades to fall

.



just when life seems okay,
something comes along
and ruins it all



.

you opened up into my arms

Let's get an update of my life at the moment:

She found out that I started smoking. She didn't freak out like I thought she would.

"You don't have to be embarrassed.. but.."

*thinks of worst possible thing ever imaginable.

"I know you've been smoking. I'm not mad."

*breaths sigh of relief*

"Drinking I understand, smoking is tolerable. Drugs. Are. No."

"I love you mommy. =)"

"Love you too. "
*leaves room in silence*

Shit. I thought I was done for!
I think that my mom is more upset because we used to be so open with eachother. I think she is wondering why I didn't tell her these things. It's hard having to be the perfect little daughter who works and goes to school. I know, I'm just making up excuses now. It's my personal choice and I'm glad that she accepts that.

Anyways; work. What a doozy! So, I've had a teeny little crush on my co-worker for a while and lately, he's been confusing the fuck out of me! I don't know what he wants from me, he's sending these weird mixed signals. I love talking to him, because he understands what I'm going through. He's an amazing friend. Maybe it's not a crush, maybe it's just like.. he's like, my best friend. I'm not sure anymore. He pushes my buttons and he loves pissing me off. I hate seeing him upset so I'm always trying to cheer him up.

This blog to me sounds fucking ridiculous. Reading it over.. I'm thinking "Wow. I sound like such a fake. Someone who I would. not. like."
This post proves to me that I am not liking my actions. Fuck.

I'm done with this one, but I won't delete it, because to me, that's weak.

lipstick mirrors and glitter stickers

Fake.

It's a common word used everyday. Everywhere I go I see fake people, fake faces, fake smiles.. why does everyone feel the need to hide who they truly are, how they really feel? Why live if all you are going to be is the person everyone else wants you to be and not the person who you want to be? If someone tells you "You can't dress like that, you can't look like that. Listen to this band, wear your make up like this!", you know what you say? FUCK YOU.

I'm sick of this stupid bullshit. Everyone at my school looks the same, listens to the same shit, all to fit in. It just pisses me off! It's not that hard of a concept when you think about it. Think for yourselves. Don't take anyone's bullshit. Next time you walk past a mirror, take a good look at yourself. Don't look at the mirror, look through the mirror. See who you are on the inside, not the person everyone else wants you to be. Go and do something for yourself. Never ever let anyone tell you who to be, I've taken that shit before, and believe me, it's not worth it in the end. Sometimes you just need to say a big FUCK YOU to the posers around you and be an individual.

hiding in the shadows

So, I went for my run, and it's so amazing how clear your mind is when you run. Nothing to hear but your own heart and your feet colliding with the ground. Nothing to feel but the feeling of invincibility. And nothing to think about but how nothing and no one can catch you. I felt like I was running from my demons and honestly, I haven't felt that fucking great in a lifetime.

Watching my breath in the night, I was just in shock at the fact that it was so cold out and I felt nothing but the warmth of my own body heat. It's times like that where I am reminded at how alive I am. It reminds me not to afraid to live. I honestly felt like nothing can stop me from accomplishing the things I want, and need, to get done. Those are the times where I just crave the emotions and I feel like no one can stop me.

Nightmare before Christmas

I've never felt this way before. I'm exhausted, yet totally left feeling accomplished and happy. I don't care that I haven't gotten much sleep. I don't care that I can barely stay awake. I don't care how shitty I feel. I'm just glad I got that done. It's a great feeling having everything accomplished, and working so hard that you know in the end it'll be worth it.

Halloween is coming up, and I'm really excited about it. My nieces first Halloween, and she's going to be a lion. RAWR. I can't wait till she can go trick-or-treating. I remember when I was a kid, I had no one to go with, and I never got invited with my friends, and I felt like such a loner child when it was just me and my mom. It hurt, yeah, but it was quality time spent with my mom or dad. The candy was the best part. It's the one time a year when children are allowed to accept candy from strangers. It was always my favorite holiday because for one day, I could pretend to be someone or something else. I loved fantisizing about different creatures and beings. My imagination would just run wild!

It's kind of sad because this year, I don't get to celebrate it much. Yeah, there's a school dance, but it's not the same. I have to work on Halloween, but the plus side is I get to wear a costume to work. It just pisses me off when you see girls wearing the skankiest outfits and it being allowed because it's Halloween. It's disgusting. Seriously, have some self-respect. Just because it's fucking Halloween doesn't mean you can show off half of your ass in an itty-bitty skirt, and have your boobs hang out of half of your top. Put some clothes on PLEASE!

Sitting here getting ready for the concert.

I'm too excited actually. The last concert I went to was.. City and Colour? On May 31st. That was waaaay too long ago for my liking.

I think I'll blog later with something worth while of reading, and me typing. I just felt a little neglective to this space.

Happy Turkey Day !

To the fellow Canadians at least.

Elections are coming up, who are YOU voting for?

Personally, I'd say NDP!

Blog-hopping

It's amazing how one blog can lead you to another, which leads you to another, and another, and another. It's also amazing how you can read and figure out how other people view you.. You can also figure out where you are welcome and not.

I don't know what's been going on with myself lately. I'm happy, but then I'm not. Things have been totally confusing to me. Lol.. Like right now I don't even know what I'm saying, what I'm thinking. School has actually been pretty decent! I'm caught up in all of my classes! For me, that's actually normal to be caught up, but since school started a month ago, I've been slacking off. This is my second final year, so I really think that I should be giving my all.

On Saturday, I got in this HUGE fight with my two bestest friends* at work. (Yes, I'm aware that 'bestest' is not in the English dictionary). C got super mad at me because I told something to E, before I told her. It's really stupid, and I told her not to be so immature, but of course, it all kind of blew up. I got mad at E for this fight starting to begin with. I told him not to be such a big fucking dick, and that maybe he should take other people's feelings into consideration for one day in his life. This of course lead to him thinking "oh if no one likes me, then why am I working here? blah blah, blah". Needless to say, C and I are semi-sorted out, but I'm still not quite on speaking terms with E. I don't know if things will go 'back-to-normal' between me and him. I tried to apologize for being a bitch, but he wouldn't even listen. Our Sunday shift was definitely awkward, I mean, he's the one who I always talk to! I think that Saturday was just a terrible day for me. I was so moody. BUT I did get to go driving with my sister and her boyfriend. I drove his standard car, and let me tell you, that was a challenge! Not only did I not really grasp the clutch-gear-shifting mechanism, but I hit my sister's boyfriend with the car. It was more of a friendly bump. He was fixing something under the hood, and he told me to lift my foot off the clutch. How was I supposed to know that I had to keep my foot on the break?

Haha. Halloween is coming up. Which means S has her birthday the day before. I have to find her an awesome present, because she's been an awesome friend. Last year, around this time of the year, she's the one I could talk to, because no one else would listen. She's just an awesome friend, and I think she deserves the best.

Also, in exactly one week, I am going to the Hedley concert with my sister. Not many people like them, but I for sure do! Their song "For The Nights I Can't Remember" is my nieces song. When she was just a wee-one, that song would put her to sleep. She still gets a smile plastered on her face whenever she hears Jacob Hoggard's voice. I'm really excited for this show because I got my sister and I floor seats! We'll be so close to the bands!

I have to go work on this art project about subtractive paintings and another on abstract sculptures. Hopefully I figure out what to do for my own sculpture!

Note to self:

Dear me;

Please remember to do your homework. I know you're a lazy fuck sometimes, but you don't want to fall any more behind in class than you are, and it might help you to understand your classes if you did your homework. I'm cracking down now, because it's better to fix your flaws now, sooner than later. Basically, you didn't give a fuck at the beginning of the school year, but now, no more.

Also, don't worry so much. If they don't call you back for the job interview, it's not the end of the world. There's PLENTY of jobs in the sea for you.. maybe it's best for you to stay at A&W for a while. OR you could not be so chickenshit and not be so scared of change.

You had a nice sober weekend at home last weekend, so maybe do that again soon? The drinking may be a leading cause to your crankiness at work and home, and MAYBE, just MAYBE, you wouldn't be broke right now. ツ Your family only cares about you, just keep that in mind.

Just do these things for me, please?

Love always;
Me

Getting Mixed Up

These past three weeks of school have actually been decent.
The homework load is fucking heavy, but I can manage. Luckily, I have lots of time to do my homework, buuut I usually put it off. I'm beginning to wonder if I have ADD. Seriously, leave me to sit and do something, and I'll just get up and walk around and find something better to do. That is kind of affecting my guitar practicing. lol. I'll start to play this jazz riff, then think "Hey! Where the fuck did I put my water bottle? " then get up and search for that for nearly an hour.

I know lately I've made some super bad decisions, and I need to learn how to control myself. Haha, I'm sixteen, so I guess I'm bound to make some mistakes.

Hmm.. I am off to read.. or practice my guitar.. or idunno.

HAHA
byee<3

You are everything I wanted to be

I really need to stop falling asleep in class!! haha, it's not my fault the teacher's decide to be total fucking bores! Why don't you actually teach the class something, instead of throwing a textbook in our faces and saying 'OK READ CHAPTER 2, PAGES 34-68, AND WRITE A 5 PAGE REPORT ON BLAH BLAH-FUCKING-BLAH'. A monkey can teach better than you!

Anyways, uggh, family life is pissing me off. My mom and sister basically refuse to get along, in turn, my sister wants to move out.. meaning her and my niece would not live with me. Apart of me is happy, another part wants to tie her to a chair and make her stay. Alas, I know that she is a big girl, she can make her own decisions and take care of herself. I don't see how she will last considering she's 18, no job, and still in high school, with a kid. Oh well, her choice, not mine.

Right now, I'm looking for new stuff to listen to, new sounds. It's really disappointing how artists today are selling themselves out. Instead of making music that they like, they want to make, it's all for the record labels now. Singing the same old shit that every other person out there is doing. Seriously, take a fucking risk and step out of the box that everyone else is living in!

Another thing that has been pissing me off lately, is the people who aren't into a band for their music, but because 'OMGZZZ their like, soo f*%*$& # HOTZZ!". Seriously, grow up. It's people like that who make the rest of us teens look bad. For once, listen to a whole CD all the way through. Listen to the music without looking at the face of the singer or guitarist. Soak up the song for what it's fucking worth and not for what the person looks like. Take in the message and support a band because it's good and worth listening to. Jesus. I'm sick of going on bands myspaces and only seeing comments saying "You're soo hot, I want your babies!" and display names such as "Mrs. _(insert famous person's name)_". Not only is that disrespectful, but embarrassing on your part. It's people like that that make me shake my head in shame.

Work is pissing me off too. Stop hiring new people!! You're taking away from my hours. Do you think that I want to get sent home three fucking hours early?! Like, FUCK. You told me not to quit when I wanted to, and yet you're taking my hours away from me?! SERIOUSLY, make up your fucking mind, you either need me or you don't! There was one day when my boss called me in because they had no one else to work that night and they were getting killed. I was out with friends hanging out and having a good time, but my boss sounded so desperate and I'd feel bad if they got ass-raped when I could've helped stop it. So what do I do, ditch my friends to help them out. Clearly, I'm dedicated to my job, and they don't give a rats ass. Also, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME STOP MY GUITAR LESSONS! That's what i do for me, once a week, and they're trying to make me switch days so I can go to work at 10 am, NO THANKS! Uggh, tell me, why are people so stupid?!

In conclusion, people suck. =]